The Cost is Real

This is an article I read recently about the cost of being a missionary, and leaving things behind. My heart has been struggling with this concept this year, being the third year that I have had to say goodbye to my family, dear friends, and now a new relationship. I've struggled to put this feeling into words, because it's mostly the little things; the day to day occurrences that add up to so much that I find myself missing. I'm a big "Gilmore Girls" fan, and this conversation came to mind from season seven:

Rory: It's just these transatlantic phone calls. I don't know if it's the "trans" or the "Atlantic" or the fact that it's 2:00 in the morning, but Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking could have a more connected conversation. 

Lorelai: Helen Keller's dead.

Rory: Yeah, well, even dead, she could do better. It's just so awkward and pausy. And I feel like the more I try to connect, the more disconnected I feel. And I just feel like I'm working so hard, but maybe I shouldn't be having to work so hard. And then I feel self-conscious, but I shouldn't feel self-conscious, so then I feel self-conscious about that. I don't know maybe it's just the salt in the ocean. It corrodes conversations or something. 

Lorelai: Yeah. It sounds like the salt.

I miss communicating with my sister on a daily basis- getting coffee or dinner and chatting about all the new things in her life as she opens up this "after college" chapter. She's amazing and doing an incredibly job, but I miss dialoging with her about it. 

I'm missing my very close friends, all of whom are starting families and experiencing so many "firsts". I'm missing my close friend Wendi's son, my nephew, grow and change in these early months. 

I'm missing my parents, and the day to day happenings in their lives. My dad is figuring out a new position at work, and finally reading my beloved Harry Potter books after years of prompting. I'm not there to discuss the characters and story lines with him as he reads. My mom is navigating what it means to be finished with full-time teaching, and I'm not there to talk to her about it. 

I'm missing the man I've chosen to begin a relationship with. After spending so little time together before I left, we are attempting to figure out what long distance (really long distance...) looks like for us. All that to say, he's wonderful and we're communicating well, but as I'm sure you know, being together in person is incredibly important. 

I don't want to paint a picture that life as a missionary is always cheery and pleasant. Of course there are wonderful, wonderful aspects to it! This has become my day to day life, and as life goes, there are good days and bad days. But there are also parts that are very hard. I'm working this year on being more honest about the shadowy places. I hope that's okay. 

Thank you as always for your support, your prayers, and your encouragement. You all mean so much to me, and I am so grateful for each of you. 

Here's the article: The cost is real.